Welcome to my blog!

I would like to introduce myself, my name is Joe. And I hail from the beautiful Queen City of the South, Cebu! (o ha, pangalan pa lang ng lugar, baklang bakla na. In fairness, parang pageant queen one liner ang birit!)

For my past blog entries, I will post them here, with descriptions as to when and where I posted them before. But that is just for the mean time, while I'm still gutting myself for blog fodder. Because as of the moment, I'm still trying to fish out what good topics to write in here, maybe I would write about something dramatic again, because that's what usually makes me blog. Drama. Ugh.

Anyway, I'd try to write more, since I have a lot of time to spare now. I will write about it soon.

Thanks for the peep, and wow. I applaud you for getting this far. Hehehe!

See you soon!

its a lazy sunday afternoon.

the haze of last night's drunken frenzy has started to retreat back into the dark recesses of my subconscious, leaving memories of things that transpired in the dark exposed and free to dissect and analyze.

fancy words aside, i started to remember the stupid things i did last night. 

even if it was halloween and a saturday night to boot, i didnt really plan on going out. it was already 12 midnight when i decided, what the hell, im bored anyway. so after a quick shower, hop and skip to fit in ancient jeans, i was outside waiting for a motorcycle to take me to town.

while i was on my way to Mango, on a jeepney (because im as poor as lint in an empty purse), i met an old acquaintance. Caress. dressed in black Lacoste polo shirt and jeans, you'd almost mistake her for a soft-featured cute boy. well, i guess she was aiming for that, being lesbian and all. 

she is really nice and sweet, in a manly sort of way. and smelled good too. if she was a guy, i'd be crushing on her. but then again maybe not. weirdly enough, i have been crushing on lesbians the past few months. maybe it's just the way they try to be guys that i'm attracted to. not really attracted, intrigued, maybe. i'm being weird. i'll stop now. ew.

in the jeepney, we talked about friends we both knew and wondered where they were now. since she and i were headed the same way, but to different bars, we decided to get off on the same stop and walk together to mango. when we got to our destination, we said our goodbyes and promised to see each other over coffee someday.

it was 2 am.

you could hear the thumping of the bars from a mile away. people in their halloween best massed outside the promenade of mango, probably waiting for their friends, or having a cigarette break, or just couldn't get in. doce was filled to the brim with queers, queens, daddies, hotties and twinks. typical saturday. but this time they were in costume.

the best one, i have to say, was the one that Jessie Glova wore. it was like the Ice Witch's costume from Narnia, with a twist, his crown had lights! he honestly looked great in it. without a doubt, he won the costume contest that night. congratulations Jessie!

as i squeezed myself to our usual spot, my fabulous fag friends were already in position. never minding the heat and the crowd, we kissed our hellos, and joined in. then i saw who was also there. Mark. in the arms of one of my friends, Al.

Mark is a frequent visitor of doce, when he is in town. based in Manila, he comes here to cebu often. for business or pleasure, i wouldnt know. all i know is that he is H-O-T. he has this boyish charm going for him, even for his age. his tall nose and deep set eyes indicate a mestizo bloodline. strong arms and broad shoulders framing a wide chest and slim waist. mature and confident, he stands with carefree abandon. when he is in doce, all he knows is that he wants FUN.

now, i have this thing with... mature guys. i get more attracted to those types than twinks. first, for their maturity. second, i do think that they are more stable. and third, they just have this appeal for me. 

and it also happens that what i usually want, i could not get.

it was a week ago when i saw Mark for the first time. he was alone, standing in our usual spot in the bar. i initially thought that he was straight, or was death-defyingly discreet, waiting for his other death-defyingly discreet friends who would not want to be anywhere near me (or my friends. because i dont know, discreet types usually just want discreet friends and are afraid of being outed. i dont actually hate it, it just is). 

Al used to be one of those people, the death defyingly discreet macho "BIsexuals". but he then grew close to us, and eventually became one of our closest friends.

while Mark was still alone, Al pointed out that Mark was cute. at that time, i was already tipsy, and when i'm tipsy, im unusally brave. i dared Al to make a move, or else I will make a move on Mark myself. I made the move anyway.

I said hi. asked the usual questions, introduced myself to him. it turns out that he is actually a nice guy. thinking that i just could not own him all to myself since i wasnt the one who had the hots for him at that time AND being a nice friend, I introduced him to Al, and then left them alone.

and then, i made a big mistake. i looked at Mark again, and this time, closely. and found myself falling.

by then i had a huge dilema. should i just pursue Mark, or let Al take center stage?

Al had started to talk to Mark, but Al told me that he thinks Mark wants to talk to me more. i had dismissed the notion, and told Al that he is just imagining it. but deep inside, i was actually pleased. but then again i thought that it was wrong to feel that way, so i just kept that to myself.

after a couple of minutes, Al said goodbye. i didnt really pay attention to what happened to him and Mark, because i thought i didnt want to pursue. but now that Al is going home, maybe i DO have a chance.

we danced, had a couple of drinks, and exchanged numbers.

i have really fallen this time.

but unfortunately, the fairygodmother's fairy dust had started to loose it's effect. it was time to go, for i still had to go to Moalboal later that day.

fast forward to that night, i was supposed to go to doce again. to see Mark. but i was too tired from the Moalboal trip. not to worry, Al was there to keep Mark company.

and to have sex with. 

the next morning, Al told me everything that happened. i didnt know what to feel. angry because they had sex? angry at myself for oversleeping? all i know is, that im angry.

i did not know to whom i could lash my anger out with. i couldnt lash out on Al, he doesnt know i like Mark, and Al is also my friend. to my frustrations, i nearly consumed all of the toblerone minis in the fridge. and played more Wii. after the sugar rush had gone down, i had a clearer grasp of the situation. which, ironically, brought me back to my first question.

should i pursue Mark, or let Al take center stage?

but the thing is, Al already had one night's worth of advantage over me. and of course, they already did it.

some of my friends told me that Al still didnt own Mark, so i still have a chance. Mami Carlo actually told me not to concern myself with all of this, Mark is just a guy.

i just couldnt. i like mark. i want to take my chance.

then, on a brave move, i sent Al a text message. saying that i will take my chance with mark. brave OR stupid. maybe both.

the following days after mark's flight back to manila, there were only 2 text messages that i recieved. one before his flight, and another telling me to call another time because he is busy. i sent him 15.

i heard from Al that mark will be back for the Embassy event. all hopes of pursuit were dying by this time.

on the day before the event, i texted mark, asking how he was doing. but there was still no reply. fed up, i told him thanks for the time anyway, its clear that he was not interested.

miracles of miracles, he replied.

he said he is going to doce, with Al. of course, at this time, all my hopes were dead. but i just couldnt resist going there, being an emotional masochist. so i went there. on a friday night. alone. with high risk of running into 2 of the people i did NOT want to run into at the moment.

when i got there, Mark and Al had a table to themselves. just like a proper date.

Mark actually went over to say hi. i just told him to go back to Al so he wont be lonely. that was the last time i talked to him that night. and i felt bad.

Halloween night. we actually talked, me and Mark, on the phone. having felt bad about being a prick for not talking to him or to Al the noght before, i called to apologise. then i got to understand what mark really was about. 

Mark just wants fun. Mark does not want anything serious. Mark just wants to party, because when he is partying, he feels like its his birthday.

so... is flirting around and one night stands also count for "fun"? is hooking up with Al just for "fun"? it seems a bit contradicting when i saw them hold hands and kiss, and yet Mark still insists he just wants fun. by being exclusive?

all this confusion and bull is making me more depressed. so i decided to just not go out. and slept early.

but by 12 midnight, i woke up. i coudlnt go back to sleep. with the lack of stuff to do, and with boredom creeping in, i decided to go back to mango.

as i saw Mark and Al together, yet again, i opted to be civil. acting as if nothing happened, even with disappointment and frustration right at the back of my mind, i smiled. i danced. i drank.

and even if Mark vehemently suggested that he was just in it for fun, they were pretty close with Al. the hands, the hugs, the kisses.

and then i come into the realization. yet again this has happened to me.

to Mark, as far as I am concerned, I am only for fun. I am nothing serious. I am not to be taken seriously.

it always just happens to me. the people i like do not like me back, the way that i like them. and then worst part of it all, we ran out of drinks. Halloween in doce has officially turned to hell.

i really wanted to go home. and sleep it all off. it was already 5 am, and probably time to go too. but before we were about to leave, Mark then said goodbye. he then said that we will see each other this Sinulog. i greatly doubt that.

and now its sunday. lazy sunday afternoon.

the haze of last night's drunken frenzy has started to retreat back into the dark recesses of my subconscious, leaving memories of things that transpired in the dark exposed and free to dissect and analyze.

and i wonder. will i keep on going through this kind of cycles? when will i learn?

i could not deny the thrill i got while dancing with Mark. but then again he will never be mine. WE will never be.

i would never feel his arms around me. i would never feel his lips on me.

Al is really lucky. 

as the sun sets on this lazy sunday afternoon, i submit myself to the notion of defeat. 

no happy endings today. no running off to the sunset with my prince.

just this.